To the heart of the matter.

I have been battling a cold, seems one of the kids get it, I get it, we get rid of it clean the house top to bottom, someone else brings it in, it’s a nasty cycle, but lately I have been tired, winded more than usual. The cold has really gotten my down this time. Or has it?
Finally I broke down, I couldn’t breathe walking from my car to the store I found myself winded. Now I may be fat, but I can walk...I can walk a few miles and not become winded. That meant tome for me to see a doctor, off to urgent care clinic I went. I never go to the doctor; ever I assume that every time I go there going to tell me to loose weight. Eat healthy. That whatever illness I have must be related to my weight or that they will simply looks at me in disgust that I am so heavy. Anyways, they did the usual check up, and the doctor entered telling me I needed to go to the hospital and that they were expecting me.
Hospital?? What?? They only time I had ever been hospitalized was child bath, never because I was ill. What was wrong with me? He was pretty mum, just reassuring me that they could run test that there clinic wasn’t able too.
I get to the hospital, I got blood drawn, x ray’ed, poked and prodded, an EKG, and some fluids. Seems I was severely dehydrated, which no shocker as I live in the desert and well don’t drink water.
Then the doctor who was very nice [and attractive] walked in sat down, I was fully expecting to hear I had strep throat, the flu, or heck even the swine flu, he explained to me, my heart was enlarged.
I could feel the tears well up, the only thing I could ask was “is it because I am fat” he was kind of taken back a bit, and said no, your blood pressure is fine, you have no signs of disease its not due to your obesity. He further told me I needed to follow up with a cardiologist, but he was almost positive it must be due to my low iron levels. He did however chime in that due to my short stature, and my increased size of my mid section that it could push my organs together causing more problems due to lack of space for them to work properly.
Now we have all watched shows like Biggest loser where the Dr. Huizenga comes in and tells them how unhealthy they are, I gasp at the pictures of the fat that has taken over there body and organs, I have seen Oprah, The Doctors even Dr Oz talk about the effects of fat and what it does to your organs, its one thing to see it happen to others but to hear those words come from a doctor, and he is referring to me?

Truth is
While my medical issue may not be directly caused because of my weight, and while at the current moment I have no health problems due to my current size, it was definite a wake up call. I am 32 years old; I have been overweight for 9 years now. Its time t stop, it’s time to ensure I am there for my children, because right now, I can’t guarantee that I will be, and even though I am here for them now, I am not 100% there because I am not happy .

Happy Birthday Fat Ass

Yes it’s that time again. I am now 32 years old. 32 years old.. I have spent the last 9 birthdays vowing that this would be the last year I was overweight. The last Birthday I would be unhappy and un healthy.
I received this in an email from my sister.. as a joke..

"hahahahahaha at least your not that big right??!!!"

Truth is..
I wasn’t laughing…

What we cannot moderate we must eliminate.

Recently watching Dr Oz they had a guest Lisa, she was a binge eater, she talked about her secret eating and I sat there and cried, relating to every word she said. She said she didn’t know why she started eating like this, but as she got older it became worst once she was able to buy her own food.
Lisa was told to eat a few of her binge foods every evening as a snack to get past the feeling that this was her last chance at cake or cookies or whatever... Dr Oz believes that by teaching ourselves that we can stop at just one normal portion, we will gain a feeling of control over these foods
I remember even as a child “sneaking” a box of pudding and eating it all to myself, or secretly going to the convinces store on the corner as I walked home and buying candy to eat later alone, never did I think that was a problem . Not until many years later did I truly realize it was a problem, when I learned to turn to food continuously as a way to solve the problems.
As I said in my previous post I cannot just eat one, I believe Dr. Oz in theory, but like Lisa, I actually started to cry at the thought of being home alone with food and stopping at one small serving. I have not learned the meaning of moderation. I cannot stop at 2 cookies and walk away even If I know it means I can have 2 cookies tomorrow.
To me in my mind I can’t rationalize eating normal proportions, I get self defeating where I would rather eat the whole box of cookies and nothing else vs. eating a normal proportion and moving on to the next day. I know moderation is key but at this point I cannot do that so I must avoid it all together.I understand why I binge, to avoid dealing with my true emotions, stress, anger, sadness and why I do it secretively, I do it because I am ashamed or others to see how much I eat. It’s shameful admitting I have a problem, when most people tell me "you must have a thyroid problem, or you must have a metabolic disorder because you never eat!"


Truth is.
I do eat you just don’t see it. You don’t know that I hide food in the pantry where I can only reach it by step stool, or that when I need to run errands my car turns into a magical place where I can binge and no one sees me, that there is candy hidden in my filing cabinet or in my make up box. Or that while I am cooking dinner, I am usually eating, so that you only see me eat a small portion. I hide my eating because I am ashamed at the amount of food I take in, I am even more afraid my children will end up like me.

If not now.. when?

I have been trying to get on track, falling off, talking myself in to starting again tomorrow, and finally convincing myself to just walk away, I didn't need or want it.

I woke up this morning refreshed that the past week, I had done pretty well, turned away from the soda, ate healthy, drinking plenty of water, not exercising quite yet, but getting my butt moving well atleast moving away from the laptop.

Now I caught a bit of a cold which helped immensely in controlling my appetite. My highest weight was 278. I haven’t seen that number again but I teeter anywhere from 260-273, today however I woke up hopped on the scale and it was 263. Not as bad as I expected, but thinking back not as good as the 227 this time last year.

This time last year I had successfully lost 51 pounds, you see my birthday is October and I love all thing about Autumn , the harvest foods, sweet potatoes,apples, cranberries, pumpkin pie, I love the state fair which comes to town in October, and the corn dogs, funnel cakes, & cotton candy. Halloween was the one holiday growing up I never had to split between my parents, and now as a parent in a broken home it is not a holiday I have to share with my x either,
The weather gets cooler, granted where I live we do not witness season change, heck we are lucky to get out of the 100’s by the time October is here, but it makes it enjoyable to be outside.

I felt fabulous today, beautiful 98 degrees, opened the windows and enjoyed the breeze, went on a brief walk with my toddler to check the mail, it felt amazing, we later wondered over to do a bit of shopping, and I found myself in the Halloween section, innocently looking for a costume, till I saw Reese cup pumpkins, I wanted them, as I touched the package I could taste it in my mouth, I could smell the chocolate, I needed them, just one,.. but I walked away,
next was the frosted soft sugar cookies, I wanted just one more binge, one more soft crumbly cookie ,but now I continued to say over and over in my head if I don’t say no now when will I? I can’t keep waiting for tomorrow, I just can't, I have done that for months, years even.

I decided to check out the 100 calorie candies, they had Reese wafers, only 100 calories, perfect. I began heading towards the check out, when I looked down and saw there were 7 “bars” in the box, I knew I would have eaten all 7, I wouldn’t save them for later, and 700 calories wasn’t worth it. I set them down, checked out and went home guilt free.

Dinner time comes around, I made sloppy joes, my children love them, and we haven’t had them in awhile, I made them with lean ground turkey. I made myself one, having one would have put me at 1200 calories for my day perfect I thought. Then it came over me, I ate 4 of them, I don’t even know why, I wasn’t thinking,I beat myself up so much thinking f I was going to cheat why waste it on this I should have eaten the cookies, or candy, while I slipped away to take a shower, I allowed my emotions to take over, before long I was a crying weeping mess, intensifying the cough I still had, causing me to well vomit my dinner [ I will spare you the details;) ]

The Truth Is.
I am not bulimic nor could I or would I vomit purposely, honestly I just couldn’t bring myself to do it on a regular basis, but afterwards I felt relieved, almost comforted by the fact that I no longer had to worry about the extra calories, I could never see myself binging and purging but the overwhelming peace that came over me was indescribable. From here I pick up the peace, and I convince myself that binging wasn't worth it, and vomting is not the answer either.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Binge.

Binge, that one word explains it all,.

I was doing fabulous. Notice the word was.
I remember the moment I decided I needed to binge. I was overwhelmed with just life in general. I was eating a low carb ice cream bar, talking myself into just eating one more, and then I needed another. I didn’t even realize I had eaten the whole box.
Afterwards, I thought to myself brush it off it wasn’t that bad.

Next day.

Breakfast started off great, on track healthy.. By 11 I needed food, started with a lean pocket, but before I had even started eating the first one, I was cooking the second one, but it was "ok" they were "lean", then it was something to drink, Damm out of diet soda, too lazy to make cystal light because I was out of water bottles, and well just making excuses to eat porrly because hello cup = water not alot of effort. But I knew I really just need a soda, a real full caloried great taste coke, I hadn't had one in over 30 days, and Yes the streak was going great, but I realllllyy wanted one. a 12 pack later [yes a whole 12 pack.]

Then it was I really want a Burger King coffee, because I have already messed up today, why bother getting a sugar free one from McDonald’s?

While at Burger King, I ordered a whopper meal, cheesecake looked good.. But the grocery store was right there might as well get a real dessert if I am going to spurge, I mean I already ruined today. right?

I have walked in the grocery store for the first time in a long time focused on binging. I knew I was over doing it, I knew I would regret it, I knew I didn't need to binge, but it didn’t matter.. I WANTED to.
I ended up going to 2 stores just because I was so embarrassed to get everything at one. Hiding the BK bag as I went to Sonic's drive thru, I went home, isolated in my room [my kids were gone, and my toddler was napping while the bf was watching his, and he was glued to the computer by the time I got home] it had been the first time in a long time I was alone.

I stuffed down every emotion I was feeling with food, and this isn’t over eating, this isn’t pigging out, this is eating until I am so sick to my stomach, till I am so full I can’t move, I can feel the food riding up into my throat, out of control, mind numbing frantic eating..

Truth is

"The alcoholic is a sick person suffering from a disease for which there is no known cure that is, no cure in the sense that he or she will ever be able to drink moderately, like a nonalcoholic, for any sustained period. Because it is an illness — a physical compulsion combined with a mental obsession to drink — the alcoholic must learn to stay away from alcohol completely in order to lead a normal life." I believe over eating is just as much of a disease as alcoholism, unfotunatly there is no way to avoid food, it is something that is required to live, and everywhere you turn.

Just when I thought I was home free, I thought I had finally gotten a handle on my eating I lost control. I figured over eating once wouldn’t set me off track, but I am learning the hard way it is a vicious cycle, I eat to relieve emotions, then hate myself later, so I eat more because of course ..I have already messed up. Furthermore, this binging cycle of " well back on track tomorrow" lasted nearly a month, sadly I have gained everything o lost back, it’s funny how I didn’t blog out of shame, but today I realized I need to blog despite failing, because I need to get back up and dust myself off, and try again.

You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance every second.

Some truths I have learned in the past month.

I eat not because I am hungry, but because I am unhappy, lonely angry or sad But, Regardless of what I eat, it doesn’t help, and it doesn’t make things better it leaves me with a sense of numbness,But just temporarily, eventually it wears off and I feel even worst then before.

With that being said, I absolutely hate the after effects of eating unhealthy foods, the upset stomach, the headache s, the full bloated feelings, the tired lethargic food coma.

I take everything personally, I allow my shame about my weight effect how I see myself, how I allow others to see myself, and I allow others to look down upon me, because I look down upon me, with that I have decided to leave my page open, just to prove at least right now, I am stong enough to not let it hurt me [or try to at the very last]

I learned that some compliments are just sugar covered insults, “you have such a pretty face”, “you would be so beautiful if…”,or my favorite “you look like you have lost a lot of weight” no I haven’t but thanks for trying. I know you mean well but in all honestly it just makes me feel even more like a failure.

I have not had a soda, not once, not since July 1st I am proud of the fact that I do not even want one, I no longer desire the taste, I do however miss the convenience of popping open that can of Pepsi, but I really don’t miss it.

That drinking water isn’t the best tasting, BUT my skin is clearer, my hair shiner, I don’t feel dehydrated, my lips and skin not as dry, but the down side I hating peeing every 10 minutes.

I learned that even though I hate being the fat girl at the gym, there is hope that one day; I will just be another girl at the gym.

On that note, I really do like exercising, even if just walking. I make a million excuse not to, and the first 10 minutes is the hardest, but afterwards I love the rush, I love the empowerment that I CAN do it, and I am finally deciding that I deserve to go back to the gym, so I am getting a membership again, for me, as a “time away from normal life focus on just me”

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered;

the point is to discover them..

by Galileo Galilei

Going Private...

I have noticed that either blogger is slacking on spammers, or that I have ran into many unsupportive flamers. I am choosing at least for right now to put my blog private, to keep out the harsh unwanted comments that I really just don't need at the moment. However, some of you are amazing and supportive, and well if you would like to continue to follow please leave an email below or to my email address havenobananas {at} Gmail {dot} com.

Thank you for understanding.

Oh and the Truth is.. No one should ever intentionally try to hurt anyone.. Ever..