Anyone who reads my blog knows I struggle with self esteem; recently I posted about my relationship falling apart. While this is a weight loss blog, I have realized how much my life around me affects my weight loss.
My boyfriend is a compulsive gambler. To the point that this week alone has spent $1230 [Saturday to Thursday] now he did win $700 but this is not the norm and considering $500 of what he spent belonged to a client, we would have been screwed had he lost it all. I am at my wits ends; he doesn’t think he needs help. Anyways, this past week I went out, now bit of history, I am currently a stay at home mom of 4 children, I do not bring any money in to the house with the exception of the $400 I receive in child support. I have stayed for so long for fear of losing my daughter because of his threats that I am unemployed and if I were to leave him I would be forced to move in with my mom and he clearly would be the fit parent because he had a home & is employed.
As the gambling has become out of control, I find myself seeking employment to be able to get on my feet and leave. I have no clothes, everything I own is beyond 3 years old, and mostly maternity clothes from my daughter whom is now 2 years old, well I finally said no more, I need to put myself first again.
He “won” a certificate to get my hair cut and dyed, not the prize he was aiming for but at least poker benefited me in that instants.
So here I am.. Hair cut and dyed.. Nails done something I have not had once in the 3 years we have been together. Setting aside money I went and bought myself an outfit. For the first time I feel good about myself. I feel like I’m on a new journey, a journey to find me again. And I really miss her.
I am down 10 pounds, I’m sure due to stressing, but the walking we do to escape the house is helping.
I’m not sure where this journey will lead for the past 3 years I have been nothing but an ugly lazy fat ass, which can’t leave because I can’t find better. I allowed myself to fall into the trap. I stuck up for him and allowed myself to isolate more because of him.
Today after being told in front of my family & children @ thanksgiving dinner, "I am a fat ass that just needed to eat until I choked on a turkey leg, or needed to die in a car wreck to solve my problems” I woke up..
The Truth Is:
it's not all his fault but it's not all mind, I don't know where my life is going, but I do know it isn't with him.
I am thankful I am now strong enough to walk away, and I did.
A break up is like a broken mirror.
It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.
It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.
You don't deserve that treatment. Believe that. Also, I understand it seems your options are limited, but you don't need to get locked in with his debts. He will only pull you down. It's good you are trying to find work. There must be other social services that can help you. Good luck with everything.
ReplyDeleteHey there! Glad to see you're back posting. You've been in my thoughts and prayers. Glad to hear you're walking.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the right things by taking steps towards independence. I wish you the best. You deserve it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
It is amazing what being heavy can do to the rest of your life...I know, I have been there, and am working my way out slowly, but surely.
ReplyDeleteYou will too.
I just found your blog today, through my friend's blog. I hope you'll keep writing. It seems like it helps you to sort things out. I'll check back in with you soon.
ReplyDeleteSending a few prayers up for you.