Moving on..

I am so ready to move on with my life. I’m ready to be back on my feet, independent again, no own to answer to except me.

so what's the problem?

I feel like I’m running but going nowhere.

I have applied for jobs everywhere, yet found nothing. Tons of applications, resumes sent..1 call 1, interview. I know I am qualified yet I leave thinking it must be because...[insert drum roll]...”I’m fat”.

No not the economy, not that I live in a state with high unemployment rate, but because I’m overweight.

I had one recruiter tell me they are looking to hire upbeat happy energetic people. I leave there assuming that is not me, I’m a now single, 32 year old , mother of 4, and a 100 pounds overweight, that really screams happy upbeat and energetic doesn’t it?

as for the “now” single part, I at insistence of a friend signed up for a social networking site, more datish orientated that MySpace, anyways I post pictures, like any other “overweight” woman we have learned to work the camera angles, showing just from the waist up, slight turned and the picture taken above the head, oh and cropping out the unsightly belly fat, now I didn’t lie, when it asked for weight I clearly put “a few extra pounds” {plus a few more on top of that}.

Anyways I reluctantly go on a date with a guy who as he said “liked big girls” I felt so self conscious imp pretty sure I allowed my own self defeating to ruin it, He still sends the text messages telling me I'm gorgeous, or beautiful, and he actually seemed "into me". Which I can't even begin to explain why, So on to guy number 2. Total sweetheart, I could see myself falling for him, I mean if there was ever "the one" it could be him, so many things in common, views, etc..yet I fear he doesn’t know me, yes he has seen the "pictures", but how could I be his type.. how could anyone be attracted to "this" i fear he doesn't know my secret..

No not that I’m unemployed, not that I recently left a bad relationship, that I am fat, and the bad part, I don’t want to meet him for fear of the “he’ll take one look and run” and I don’t think I could handle the rejection.

Why do I allow my weight to control me, and when will it stop. I know how to lose weight, it’s not about being hunger.

It isn't so much the food that I eat. For me, it is all about:

self-will, self-determination, self-control, self-defeating.

Truth is

I need to make a conscious decisions every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every single solitary defined millisecond.... which is what it comes down to so much of the time.

I get so angry that I make bad decisions, choose to NOT control myself, and remain obese. I’m the only one preventing me from moving on.